I’m Selfish and Insecure (I know. Shocking!)

“I’m selfish,
impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control and at
times hard to handle.  But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as
hell don’t deserve me at my best.” 

I love this quote by Marilyn!  I think it sums up how a lot of people feel.  
For me, Jerry is the only person who deserves me at my best!  He has had to deal with quite a bit in our first decade of marriage.

After two and a half years of marriage my Gramps passed away and my Nana asked to move in with us in Texas.  She was with us from our 3rd Anniversary in March 2002 until she passed Thanksgiving 2008.  Even though she spent the last few years in Assisted Living due to her medical needs, she was a very demanding narcissistic (selfish) and quite the drama queen, so it wasn’t easy.

During year 4, my brother and mother got into an argument in Maine which resulting in her being arrested and him sleeping in a van in February a mile from the Canadian border, so not knowing what else to do (and also knowing my mothers temper having usually been the focus of it) we flew him to Texas and he spent a year with us.
After 5 years of marriage, we took a trip to Ireland for our anniversary and while it was beautiful, the trip was slightly soured when I became sick on the second day.  What we thought was a flu like virus did not go away once I received treatment back home and in June 2004, my liver began to fail and after many, many, MANY, tests and trips to the Doctor, one CT Scan just happened to catch part of a tumor and I was finally diagnosed with cancer.  He spent the next year taking me to and from scans, tests and chemo.  He stayed by my bedside all day during chemo treatments as boring as it must have been for him and took car of all my Nana’s needs during that time.
After 9 years of marriage he was my emotional rock when my mother decided to declare war on me and my Nana going so far as to call attorneys, Adult Protective Services and trying to have her declared incompetent from 2,000 miles away having not seen her since 2000.
After 10 years of marriage I finally crumble from the years of stress the cancer, my family and work had put me through and just start crying uncontrollably one day.  I didn’t get out of bed for 6 months and he took care of everything and didn’t push or judge in any way allowing me to heal as I needed.
Year 11 saw us selling our home to prepare to move across country to the East coast away from everything he’s ever known just to make me happy.  He even agrees to fly to Maine to see my brother and sister-in-law in the middle of December and to go to New Hampshire to meet my sister after 2 years of communicating with her online.  The trip to see my brother was wonderful and I wish we had stayed there.  We cut the trip short in order to go to New Hampshire on Saturday, so we could drive into Mass to meet my sister only to have her send a message on Sunday that she decided she didn’t want to meet me.  I was crushed and had another period of depression (after initially crying for 4 straight hours and wanting to cancel the rest of our vacation). 
That depression lasted several months, but in January I decided to stop seeing a counselor and to go see a Psychiatrist.  Jerry held my hand through the entire ordeal.  After a lot of testing, it was determined that my IQ was high (duh, already knew that, 140’s) and that I had Type 2, Bipolar Disorder.  Thankfully after several weeks of medication I felt much better.  Jerry was a rock through it all.  Always wanting to do whatever it took to make me feel good and be happy.
Finally!  In our 12th year, we got to make a decision about our lives that for the first time, was not guided by some other obligation or responsibility; we moved to Richmond!  While it’s taken a little longer than we hoped to find positions in our respective fields, Jerry has never wavered and continues to make me feel special everyday.  
As we approach our 13th anniversary, we are happier than ever, healthier than ever and for the first time since I was a teenager, I feel normal!  I don’t think I would feel like this without him.  I can honestly say I believe he saved my life.  If I had moved to Maine with my family in 1999, I do not believe I would be alive today.  I believe I would have died from alcoholism, committed suicide from the depression or ended up on the streets.  He came into my life at the perfect time and his timing has been perfect ever since.
From here forward I am going to be less insecure, but more selfish!  More selfish with Jerry and the time we have together and make the next few decades as wonderful as I can as a Thank You for sticking by me through the first!

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