Christmas music that should be banned

sign: no christmas for you!


“Since WDOK in Ohio decided to pull “Baby it’s Cold Outside” from its playlist because someone was offended, I feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well. Do so immediately.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn

2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation

3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances

4. White Christmas? Racist

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker

6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying

8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben

9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail

10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman

11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow

13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse

14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced partnership”

You know you’re from the North if …

You’ve watched the movie “Deliverance” and you’re afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever.

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

For breakfast you’d rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You’ve never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don’t talk as loud as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You’ve never had bangs.

You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

You refer to two or more people as “you guys” instead of “y’all”.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You prefer a bagel over a donut.

You don’t know anyone who goes by both their first and middle names.

You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.

You don’t know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for…(something)

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

You don’t “reckon.”

You’re not “fixin” to do anything.

You know you’re a Southerner when…

You know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don’t “have” them, you “pitch” them.

You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up “a mess.”

You can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

You know exactly how long “directly” is _ as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”

You know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

You know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!)
 You grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

You know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

You never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You know that “fixin'” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

You know that the term “booger” can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in “that ol’ booger,” a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

You make friends while standing in lines. We don’t do “queues”, we do “lines,” and when we’re “in line,” we talk to everybody!

You never refer to one person as “y’all.”

You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

You know tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

You say things like, “Well, I caught myself lookin’ .. ,”

You say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it _ we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

You know that if you are with a couple of friends you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn’t matter.

You know you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart” and go your own way.

You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

“Ya’ll” is singular and “all ya’ll” is plural.

After five years you still hear, “You ain’t from ’round here, are Ya?”

“He needed killin’ ” is a valid defense.

Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.